Blanketed Comfort

Hi blog. Been a while. Having insomnia.

I miss my husband. I know that's not a bad thing, but it doesn't always feel like a good thing either. Maybe it just is. I wish I could tell him things, but I know I can't. I know it's too late, I missed our chance. I'm sad but I know things will be okay somehow. I wish I could go back, and just have five more minutes with him. I keep trying to push ahead, but I'm not so sure that's actually getting me anywhere. I feel like a cat stuck under a blanket just fighting to find an edge to escape out. Maybe the point is to learn to accept the blanket, rather than escape it? No idea. My thoughts feel like rambling. 

I finally feel like I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be though. Despite all this pain, hardship, turmoil and feelings. It's hard to find yourself when all you can remember is being told what not to be, what not to do. I feel like I spent my life tiptoeing, trying to prevent any hurt to anyone else that I forgot to be me.

As for the guy I've been dating. I don't know how I really feel. It almost feel like a spell was cast over me, entrancing me. It feels like that spell has broken and I'm struggling to see what I saw before. I think, I think I just needed someone to take care of. Someone to need me. It was easy to slip in. But now that the magic has been lifted I just feel like I cheated or lied or pretended to be someone I'm not. That I'm somehow the one who tricked him into falling.

I don't know where to go from here, what to do. There's no discernable path from here. It's a little scary, but I know I'll be okay. Something deep inside tells me I'll be alright. Just wish I knew how to get to that comfort from here.