Uncertainty

So I guess maybe things can get better. I've been seeing someone recently, and I think he's wonderful. I'm still trying to be cautious though, never know when someone wants to throw you out the window with the trash. No labels on anything, at least yet. Makes me kind of nervous to not know where I stand but at the same time it's freeing to be without expectation. I don't have to be the "little wife" anymore. I don't have the cooking and cleaning expectations on me. But at the same time my world is far from stable. While things feel good with whatever kind of relationship I'm in for the time being, my financial situation and living situation could change at any given moment. That's scary. I don't know how to deal with it. There's literally nothing more I can do about it at my current time but that doesn't stop the lingering worry seeping in from the back of my mind.

But on a positive note, when I'm with the person I've been seeing, I don't seem to worry. It's intoxicating. And like a responsible drug user I'm trying to keep myself grounded but it's so hard to not just give in. To let it all carry me away into some strange mishmash of fantasy and reality. Everything feels uncertain. Uncertain whether my world is going to shift, uncertain whether I'll let the undertow of my new addiction take me, uncertain if I'm going to wake up and find everything has been a dream. At least I'm no longer craving being back in my old life, in my old bed.

It's hard to not worry and go with the flow without getting dragged by the undercurrent. But then again no one said anything about my situation was going to be easy, just that things would get easier.

I've been relying more on my friends since Nick left me. To help me see if I'm doing things right or in a healthy spot or just looking to not be lonely for a bit. It's really nice to have support I can count on. For now, that's all I have to share.

The only thought left lingering in my head, is a song lyric.

"Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great, 'He tastes like you only sweeter'"