Earlier I was wishing I could fast forward to the better part. The part where I'm okay again. But that's never really existed for me. I've never been okay enough. I've been at the edge of the seat of my life waiting for the moment that I'd have to move or get up. Never truly relaxed.
I miss my ex-husband. I can't tell him that. After how he treated me, how he disrespected me and all my belongings. It'd be like saying I'm okay with that treatment. I'm okay to be dumped everytime you want something else. And it's not.
Moving on is so hard. It's so hard to really let go. I know I'm still living in this fantasy that everything will work out and I'll be happy and loved and in love again. That if I just keep myself distracted, I'll somehow end up there. I tried seeing someone else, taking care of someone else. Loving someone else. But it wasn't enough. He lingers in my mind still. Like a cryptid, never in full sight. Just lurking at the edges, waiting to catch me unaware.
I feel like crying is now my main hobby. It's what I do most when no one's looking. So I keep in view to keep it in. Make plans so I keep moving and doing. Make it seem like I don't ache.
I've been afraid to write. Afraid to let these feelings be spoken. I don't want them to be real, I don't want them to have such power over me. But they do. Sometimes I wish I'd never fallen in love. It's so hard to stop.
I really hope things change in a positive way for me. I don't know how long I can hold up this facade. Granted I've been holding it, day after day, for so many years. Every day feels like it might be the last. It never is though. Sometimes I feel like just surviving is more a torture than anything else. Never relaxed, always waiting for the next bad thing.
I guess this is common for those with C-PTSD? I wouldn't know. One of the things we keep hidden and not discussed.
I was ghosted by a potential date. I feel like I deserved it for always being depressed and unwell. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
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