Internet Friends

 Title is a Knife Party song.

Lately I've been trying to make some new friends. There's nothing wrong with the friends I have mind you. I just wish I had a couple more of them. That and all my friends are long-distance/internet friends really. At least the ones I feel close to. Have you tried making friends as a 30-something? It's hard and terrifying. At least when you have severe anxiety that is. I really just wish I had friends I could feasibly visit (post-Covid of course), and on a regular basis. It's hard being a geek in a small town with anxiety. There was a local gaming thing once at a café, I wanted to go so bad but my brain just wouldn't let me. My husband doesn't understand my need for friends. He has two childhood friends he still games with on the regular online. I can't imagine still being friends with the people I knew as a child. Any of them really. There's nothing really wrong with the people I knew when I was a child, or even a teen mind you. They just took very different life paths, and I feel...different. Not as in special, just as in that I can't relate well to them, or them to me. But maybe that's what I need, is people who are on a different sort of path, with different ideas and thoughts.

The friends I have, I value a lot. It's hard for me to not feel like I need to buy my friends, and buy to maintain them. I'm so used to the idea that I am utterly unfriendable so I must provide material things to make up for my failure as a friend. It's really hard to balance buying things because I want to, and buying things because part of me feels I need to. Plus I think it's been mentioned that I'm trying to fill the void I had when I was growing up with the things I wish I'd had, but for others. I want others to have the smiles and comfort I didn't. It's not necessarily a bad thing mind you, it's just difficult to keep in check.

I also penpal, or rather attempt to penpal. I'm a terrible one, I'll admit it. I'm never replying in a timely fashion. I just get so much anxiety about what to say. I should admittedly probably stop because I'm sure it's torture for those who are waiting on me. I don't mean to make anyone feel bad or less because of my long waits. I just freeze up in fear of everything. What can I say without sharing too much? Did I decorate well enough? What if my letter makes them feel disappointed? It's very hard for me to move along despite these fears. I wish I could just be honest with them about how I feel/how it makes me feel so that I don't just leave people hanging. It's hard to not feel like a burden though, that sharing means I'll burden others. I've always found it strange that I can open up to the void of the internet easier than anything or anyone else. That's also the reason for the blog title change. I'm just here to shout into the void essentially. Something I've missed doing over the years.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind at this lovely 4-5am. I'll maybe come back to do some more shouting another time.