Broke Up

Alex broke up with me. Not terribly surprised. I cried for a bit and went to bed.

Currently I am fine. I just sorta feel like well...empty promises. I wanted to believe he would stay and stuff, but I have trouble believing anyone can. He didn't tell me it was because I'm hideous and unlovable or anything, so I'm alright.

I'd hoped he would live up to them, but I'm used to disappointment and being disappointed. I'm used to people making promises they can't keep and dreaming of lives and love I'll never have.

I asked him if that's what he really wanted when he said "Let's break up". He didn't say no.

I had a rough night with anxiety. Alex didn't seem to be there so I just rambled on. And then I just sat there for a minute after a big long rant and just decided to breathe, and he replied with that.

I dunno he said some other stuff, and I said "fine" and "whatever". So he's blocked and deleted and such, and I'm just going to move on.

I deserve someone who thinks I'm worth it and worth fighting for. I know I don't think that a lot, but I think everyone deserves that, and I'm a person too, so I do as well.

So Carl is still around on the sidelines. He's nice and all but I just, there's no attraction for me. Which I should probably tell him and let him get on with his stuff. I feel bad. Yep, I feel guilty that I am not attracted to someone. Welcome to my fucked up life.

So I'm still periodically crying and feeling shitty about Alex, but well, I've been through so much worse. Mostly I just have no idea what to do with the blanket he mailed me. Oh well, I'll figure something out.