Relationships are difficult. I suppose that's a good thing really but mine just feel extra difficult.
I remember almost two years ago talking to Natalie when she asked if I maybe took on distance and difficult relationships as a way of keeping myself from being hurt. I thought about that a lot in the bath.
I'm exhausted so I don't really expect this to be terribly cohesive.
Alex told me he sometimes gets bored of talking to me. That hurt to hear. I understand it's normal and to be expected but it still hurts. Mainly because I am so not normal. I expect I've been bored with him but I can't remember anything. I just remember how I'd trade anything to get to talk to him.
Carl messaged me last night and we talked. He still wants me. I explained that I'm with Alex and that I love him, and he just asserted that he'd be there if anything should happen to that. It was kinda flattering. That two years later I'm still wanted and missed, that he really regrets his mistake because it cost him me. I see myself as being too broken to be really wanted and yet here's Carl two years later. I would have never imagined such a thing.
It makes me wonder if Alex and I ended if he'd still want me in two years. But I don't really have to wonder, my brain answers no in a heartbeat. I think he'd move on and be happier with someone else. I really do, and I don't think there is anything that could make me believe otherwise.
I understand that I am self-depreciating and all, but I don't know. Something just feels more like absolute truth about that with Alex than it did with other people.
We're so alike in so many ways, but we are completely different in others. The differences scare me, they whisper to me that they're evidence of making a bad choice, that I'm leaving myself so very vunerable and I will be punished for that weakness. Things will end horribly and I'll wish I didn't exist. I know differences are normal and are good but...these ones always whisper in the back if my mind that they're the incompatible kind of differences, not just the normal we'll learn to deal kind.
I'm having some anxiety and paranoia again. Probably because I am sick, exhausted and I can't keep track of taking my meds. With them I remembered things. I remember how hard I fought against the same little whispers with Gary, and how they turned out to be right. I remembered something else, something important and terrifying, but I've already forgotten again.
I can't hold on to my mind anymlre, I'm too tired. I'm so tired and I don't want to fight. Not the exhaustion, not the sickness, nit the worries. There was something about fighting for things...I've forgotten. I'm going to attempt t give intonsleep and only sleep now. Goodnight.
1 comment:
You need the Docs to get you meds to shut up the negative voices in your head.
I saw that you were cycling like this, knew I could not help you offered you a chance at what exactly what you wanted and you turned it down.
You have just very small changes you need to make and your life would be fine.
That night we had our talk about the relationship ending to end on your part I went on your computer and there was a discussion box opened in the conversation you were like Yep pretty sure I still want to break up with him. I saw that after all we talked about and that is what ended it for me that you could not pull the plug. That and the squirrels were being to loud walking on the leaves outside that creeped me out just a little.
I had offered you a plan you turned it down. So yes I did care enough to offer you something better. From my heart to you.
And btw you cut me out I have been here all along. Cause you are my friend yes you hate yourself so much you make yourself sick most of the time but you are not a bad person. And the Beast had honor and respect, Gaston was a prick.
Only you can change how things need to be, starts with taking just one of your posts and letting counselor read it cause I strongly feel things would change a great deal for you one way or another.
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