I Have A Boyfriend

It feels weird to write it, weird to say it even. But I ahve a boyfriend. That would be Alex. I haven't really told any of my family. One of course will know when they read this. I'm ashamed. I am. Not of him, I think he is wonderful. It's well, his age. He's younger than me. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes. In fact I didn't decide to be with him for a while because of it. I sort of feel like I'm some sort of horrible predator. No one else does, but yeah. If it all goes wrong, I'll feel like a delusional idiot. But I'm hoping and betting on things going alright. It took me a while but I decided he's worth it. The happiness is worth whatever pain I will go through if everything goes to hell. I feel geniunely loved and wanted. Most of the time. With my low self esteem, self confidence, anxiety and depression sometimes I feel like he's just being naive, and that I am too. But I mean I gave him fair warning about my issues, he reads my blog and everything. Sometimes it feels like I'm just kidding myself, that I can't really be loved. I worry sometimes that he'll wake up and realize I'm not worth it. That he can do better. We're alike in a lot of ways, I think he worries that I'll get tired of waiting for him or find someone else or that I will think he's not worth it. But I knew what I was signing up for. I took my time and thought about it. I plotted out a lot of the ways this could go, I thought of all the time I'd spend here alone wishing he was here. I thought about Garrett and how that killed me. But I still came to the conclusion that he is worth it. And most of the time, I love him like I've never been hurt. That I can still sometimes have that optimism like I'd never had it all go wrong. It's nice. I worry that it's going to end terribly. I've noticed already that I have more strength than I did with  Garrett. I'm better able to stand up for myself, I have better defined boundaries. I want and hope for the forever and always kind, but I know even if it isn't I'll come away with a lot of good things. Alex makes me feel like I'm not broken. I have a boyfriend. Just remembering that makes me smile. When I leave the house I remember that and I can't help but smile. I still get sad, I still get afraid, I still stress and worry, but, I dunno remembering that I have him makes everything seem just a little more bearable. I have a boyfriend, and it's really nice.