I'm sad. Nothing is adequately distracting me from that. I talked to Morgan about Gary the other day, it made me remember more things. For example being curled up with him and watching Futurama. I'm sad because I can't envision having that again. I can't picture having friends that I actually enjoy being around. All I see is a sad girl waiting for people with to finish living their lives and get online. Just so that I forget my own life for a while while talking. I don't have interesting things to do or things that have happened. I barely have people that want to spend any time with me. I can't imagine someone really actually wanting to visit me ever again.
I'm not really a fun person. I don't enjoy taking risks or trying new things. I think partying and drinking are stupid. I always wanted to have a LAN party but I don't see that ever happening, multiplayer games are Internet based now and my connection isn't good enough for more than a single person gaming. I really can't imagine other people that would rather play Clue and watch Disney movies than go out to a bar or club. Well not with me at least. I certainly can't imagine anyone I'd like wanting to date me. It still amazes me that I have actually had sex and two actual physical boyfriends. It all seems like I was briefly living someone else's life.
A lot of days it feels like I'm going to wake up and find it was all a dream. I know I won't because my dreams are always much better or worse than that.
I keep telling myself I should get another Wiimote, but I never do. I don't really believe there is going to be a player two. I tell myself I should get one so friends could play with me. But I never do because I don't believe there is going to be anyone.
I still wonder what it is that Gary saw that made him actually fly over here and meet me. I used to believe it was love. I used to think it was a chance at getting laid. I never asked. I'll never know. The people in my life I call friends never really stay. Oh sure they stay contacts in my social networks and instant messengers, but we never really talk. When we do one of us just makes the other feel bad without knowing it, so the silence resumes. Elyse is the only exception to the rule. Sure sometimes we go months without saying anything but it never feels...final.
That's all. Thanks for reading.
1 comment:
You don't give yourself enough credit. You are smart and very good looking you just have to see it for yourself.
I ended the relationship for two good reasons, you were done having me around cause I was not geeky or good enough for you. And your negative views/judgement about everything.
I hope you can escape one day and see for yourself things are not that bad all the time. And it is you that must do this as it is your life. But you won't cause you are safe where you are and not ever going to escape cause you don't want to. I say do it you will be far more better for it.
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