I'm sad. I hate being sad. I feel like crying and there's no reason. Well, aside from hormones. I'd much rather be a cyborg.
Nothing new happening really. Started Minecrafting again. I had lunch with my aunt 'yesterday'. Nothing going on.
I guess I feel a bit lonely, probably because Elyse has a boyfriend now. I think I miss that. It's really hard to be with someone when you often feel rather revolting. And yet some days it's like I can't possibly feel better about myself. Maybe that's a bipolar thing. I really have no idea what the new psychiatrist will say. There is, of course, some deep anxiety about that. I simply cannot handle the idea that there is nothing medically wrong with my brain.
Well just mentioning it made me feel worse. So I think I'm going to zone out to music and get some real sleep.
1 comment:
Been wondering if I should comment or not... have I mentioned I'm a fan of your writing? Don't want to be seen as monitoring you, I guess...
It seems clear to me there is something going on in your head - you have near-crippling anxiety much of the time, with intermittent bouts of severe depression. That's not "just laziness". It doesn't "feel" like bipolar disorder to me - more like generalized anxiety disorder with co-occuring episodic depression, or something like that. (I'm not a doctor, of course, so grains of salt, and all that.) On the flip side bipolar disorder has some standard treatments and they're pretty good at treating most cases, so it wouldn't be the worst diagnosis. (Dan's brother: bipolar accountant.) On the _other_ flip side, some of the treatments have unpleasant risks (Dan's father was damaged by them and couldn't live independently, which sucked.)
And then the question of is it something with your brain, or your mind? And of course the answer is usually both. Which is unfortunate because the brain problems can usually be treated once they figure out exactly what it is and find the right combo. But your mind is adapted to a malfunctioning brain, and that's harder.
But whatever it is - I'm convinced that with competant treatment, therapy and work, you can eventually deal with it, and have any awesome life you want. Wish you were getting that. :/
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