I miss Andrew. I keep thinking of how I always wished Gary would just show up unexpectedly and tell me he loved and missed me. I keep watching the cars go by and hope one of them is Andrew. But I know he's not coming here tonight. He has to rest for moving and stuff.

But Andrew is the type of guy to do that. Maybe someday, but not today. I had the bump on my back surgically removed today. It's itching like hell but I can't scratch it. I have no idea what it looks like because it's a spot I can't see. I think it got three stitches. I felt three anyway.

I'm kinda sad because I'm lonely. I'm always afraid that when people leave they won't come back. I never feel like I deserve to be happy, that it's always going to leave me. That I need to be on my guard because it's always just around the corner. I can't accept happiness and I can't believe it will continue. But that belief in itself makes happiness disappear. I detach so others can't hurt me, but that sabotages the whole relationship. And then when they're here I cling because I don't want things to end, I don't want to be sad or alone or hurt, and that makes it worse. And it all makes me feel like I'm nothing more than a sad, lonely little girl playing at being an adult.

And that comes out a lot being with a guy twelve years older than me. He's an adult. He can act like an adult and be an adult. He can have an adult relationship. But me, well, we all know how that is. I worry I'm not enough of an adult for him. Sometimes it feels like stumbling through an unfamiliar house in the dark. You're pretty sure nothing's going to jump out and kill you, but you never know. And while you're worrying, you keep bumping into things.

Anxiety sucks. I've been doing pretty well lately but it always comes back. For a while I was simply living in the moment and just letting things be and not worrying about the future or how things will work out or if he's what I want in ten years. I have a hard time not thinking about those things, and it still kills me that with Gary I was always sure. I decided he was what I wanted and I gave everything I had to being with him. This whole thing makes me feel so normal. Looking at someone and knowing you love them but not knowing if you want to spend your life with them, it's so hard. I miss the knowing and the sureness. It was less bumping into things in the dark.

And part of me is simply afraid to be alone. Afraid of what I might start thinking or feeling. Like this for example. I just want to be happy. I don't want to think about all this stuff so much. It's suffocating. I'm in perpetual doubt of my every decision, my every thought. It's a nightmare. Just waiting there in the dark, waiting to grab me and pull me under. To hold me down and never let me escape. To drown all hope of better things.

And it all just makes me wish someone was here to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine, and that I could believe that. But letting someone do that, that's too much trust. Because having that person I lean on so much leave me, well we all know it nearly killed me. I still don't know how I managed to call the help line. I'm glad I did because I am doing a lot better than I was back then, but the fear of it happening all over again, it's horrible. There are no guarantees. I'm equipping myself with the tools and the safeguards to keep it from happening, but that doesn't mean it won't. I wholeheartedly believe it won't be Andrew, but I felt the same about Gary. I opened up because I felt he'd never hurt me, and he'd always be there for me, and that turned out horridly. I know Andrew is not Gary, he never will be, even if he does the same things he will never be the same person. I also know that he's not likely to do those things, but part of me is still afraid. Because all it takes is for someone to leave. To put all that trust and love into someone and have them leave. Even without the abuse and the neglect, there's no guarantee he'll always be here.

I know when I talk to him and I look in his eyes when he says he'll be here for me, he means it. I know he honestly means it. But what about next week? Next month? Next year? People change, feelings change. Even stones wear down over the course of time. We all change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Knowing that it's true at least for now it's enough for me. But there's no way to really be sure no matter what anyone says or does. I need to learn to be okay with that. I need to just believe that things can be okay. And it's hard. It's really hard.

I live with the memory of who and what I became when Gary left, and I'm terrified of becoming that again. I lost myself. It was like I stopped existing. I stopped being. It felt like I wasn't even human anymore.

I miss thing feeing simple, even if they weren't.