Worthless

That's how I feel. That's how Gary makes me feel, that's how my parents make me feel, and how I make myself feel. I can't escape it either.

Recently I've got myself into some financial trouble. I talked to my therapist and she said that I didn't seem to really have a problem other than spending money that wasn't mine. That was before now. Now it's double the amount.

And I hate myself. I do. I feel like the worst person there is. I'm not over Gary, not even nearly. I would give anything to be. That's where my financial trouble comes from. I'm replacing the things he gave me, and trying to build myself a better me. Which in itself aren't horribly bad things, but yeah.

He makes me feel worthless in the things that he posted, and in that he left me. That the reason he gave me is that my problems were too big for him. I feel lost. I feel like I've been eaten by my problems and there is no hope.

I thought I had made progress but now I'm back to crying and missing him. I had been able to believe that I deserved to be loved, and that I would again, and that I would love someone again. But now all my heart says is that he was the one, and that I am nothing and lost without him.

I feel like there's no person left here, just a pile of bad things. I feel like I deserve to hurt so much, that I deserved him to leave me, that I deserve to be lonely.

I am lonely. Carl filled that for a while but he doesn't anymore. Instead I'm always full of doubts. Enough so that I'm not sure he's even a person I'm interested in dating. How do you tell someone that? How do you hurt someone like that? Someone who really loves you, in all the ways you deserve?

I know that a lot of this is from my depression and anxiety. I know that I may feel so bad about Gary and Carl because of it. I know that things will probbaly get better, but that feeling of worthlessness never leaves. It lingers behind everything I do. I've been taking my pills every day, and working on my way of thinking, but I'm still here.

It feels like no matter how mnuc better I can be, I'm always going to come back here, I am always going to hurt like this, and that I deserve to.