It's me again. No England yet.

So here's what's bothering me.

Today was my grandad's birthday, the one I hate. I had to spend a good $20 on a present for him and take over these pizzas gramma bought for it. So we went. My aunt and uncle were there already, they bought him a cheap ass chess set I guess. So started cooking the pizzas, one at a time, small oven. Around ten minutes before the first one is done grampa sends gramma out to get some chicken, KFC. He's diabetic and needs to eat on a schedule, we get it. It was still rude. Took them around twenty minutes to get the KFC. Both pizzas were cooked, finished, and sitting around. So basically everyone had chicken but me. Too much grease, I will only eat the chicken fries. Gramma had a couple slices of pizza, but yeah. He didn't really appreciate the stupid hinting game he wanted, or the fact that we do not have money. We had to get him something, gramma buys stuff for herself secretly (because grampa won't let her, yes seriously), and has us take it over and say it's from us. Well she did that with some stuff for her birthday, and even though this has been going on for like the twenty years I've been alive I guess he still hasn't caught on. So to save from bitching, I bought the damn game.

And just before I bought it I had been out and bought food we needed. Kristi was nice enough to send $50 this month, but the total spent on groceries is $150. So I'm still out $100 of my England money. Then there's the $22 for the damn game. That $22 was going to be a cake. Since I already had to spend so much, I figured the last $20 over the balance I'm trying to maintain, I'd buy myself a cake. Because no one else is going to. A Pizza Hut haiwaiian pizza and a cake are all I really want, as a little goodbye Canada and family thing. It hurts that I can't even have that. It hurts that I am always having to spend money I don't want to to be able to eat. It's one thing to go buy some ice cream or something because I want it, I make that choice, no one tries to get me to make it either, but buying groceries for your family, it is the hardest thing to keep from doing. Especially when your own mother is always silently hoping you'll do so. It's been years since she'd even politely object.

No one knows what it's like either. To have all this responsibility just shoved in your lap. The guilt of not buying food and taking care of bills when it's really needed is just unbearable. Then when I don't have the money, the having to ask, the shame it brings never washes away. And the guilt of putting someone into the same position I've been put into, help or look like a jerk, it eats away at you. Until you feel like some horrible person, and you feel so devoid of good and happiness, it's unbearable. 

That's why I never ever ask Gary for help. Well I did a little once, he doesn't know that that's what I was asking, and he said no. It hurt a lot. I've hidden it the best I can but, I just can't help it.

Lately the memory of how it felt when I found out he had fucked around online has been haunting me. I haven't told him and I probably won't. He'll probably find out from reading this whenever he gets around to it. I'm not good at forgiving. I hurt so much all the time, I just never really want to risk even more pain. The fact that it wasn't a big deal to him hurts more than that he did it, and that his first priority was to save the chat. That for months after that he let me believe he wanted me, and only me. And the fact that it was twice. Once can be a mistake, twice is deliberate.

I think he doesn't understand that. That I have had and sometimes still am having such a hard time is that he did it knowing he'd hurt me, and then tried to tell me it wasn't that big of a deal, and he wouldn't hurt if the situation is reversed. I still remember when we had first met how he got jealous of anyone else and I like that. To hear him say it wouldn't matter to him now, it just feels like, it feels like I'm fighting for a relationship only one of us really wants anymore.

And he has said sorry and cried and we've fought about it. But sometimes it really feels like he's not really that sorry. I think my real problem is it feels like I've lost the person I fell in love with. Or maybe it was just all in my head. When he told me that he would marry me tomorrow if he could, I believed him, when he said he couldn't cheat on me because even if I never found out he'd have to live with it, I believed. And he did live with it just fine, for months before I found out and that's the only I got to see any feeling of guilt.

But I'm still intending to board a plane and leave my home behind for him. He says he's do the same but I have such a hard time believing it. For long enough that was the plan, and he never made one move on it. He kept buying himself nice new shiny things, some he wouldn't be able to bring with him, and that's what always bothered me. He could tell me he's willing to give up everything all he wants, but he never did, and never really wanted to. After he cheated he asked me what he could do, but nothing I could say would ever make it okay. Somtimes you need to figure out what to do on your own, otherwise you're only doing it because you're told and it loses all meaning. I kept hoping that he'd figure something out. Like deleting her entirely, giving me proof he broke it off, hell even stop playing his PS3 for a month or something. But no, nothing.

Today I finally deleted the bookmarks for things I had wanted for a wedding. That's why I'm here. I've come to terms it isn't going to happen anytime soon, but that doesn't stop the hurting. It hurts how much faith and belief I had in him and that he meant it, and that it was really going to happen. It still hurts a little every day that he claims he loves me more than anything and would risk everything and he won't even marry me, which is pretty much that very thing on paper. I can't make him want it. Oh how I've tried and hoped and I just, if it's going to happen it's not going to be for a while. Deep down I've accepted that it may never happen. I had kept hoping that maybe he's change his mind, through Disneyland, after I got home, and maybe that after living together, but, that hope died today. I'm tired of constantly hoping, and then being disappointed. 

So why am I going if I have no hope and so many doubts? Because I still love him. Because I meant it when I promised that I was not going to just give up. Love isn't rational. I can't keep expecting it to be, or be fair. I know, he cheats on me, he's the one who doesn't want to marry me, he's the one not giving up much, and I'm the one giving up so much and making the promises, not fair in the least, but I can't just give up. I can't just walk away, at least not yet. Somehow there's still more left of me, and I can't give up until I've tried and given everything. If we split up, at least I'll know I tried everything I could. That I'll never have to shoulda woulda coulda about it. 

Now I've emptied enough of myself out t be able to resume being alright. Not being bothered so much by what's happened. Being able to sleep without crying. So tomorrow I can pack my stuff up, get rid of some, and tell him I love him and have him feel like everything is alright. Is it actually alright? I'm not the best judge. I think the issues here are probably going to be argued about at least once more. Depends on how long it takes for him to read this. If it's not until after I'm there, probably not. I'm usually okay when I'm with him. But I know everything's not alright because I hate his laptop now.

Seriously, when I read the saved log, I wanted to fucking smash that thing. I only didn't because of the three other people in the house.