Hello Again

And welcome to 2008. I find it hard to believe it's here, it's really 2008, and that time is moving forward. Being here in Napanee is awesome in it's own peculiar way. Being here though, is like nothing ever changed. I slept in my old room, but it still felt like I never moved out, like I could be waking up in that bed and going to NDSS all over again.

I hate to say it but I just don't seem to be getting any better, at least from my perspective right now. I'm just getting fatter, I weighed in at 204 lbs, I'm still unhappy, I still feel horrible about myself, and I'm still utterly alone.

Which of course brings me back to her, Alex. I hate that it's so hard for me to think about her, and it really doesn't help that I was reading The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson, and the lesbian character is a petite red head named Melanie, and goes to a gay dance and meets a girl named Alex. To top that after I finished that book last night I tried to have an orgasm, just when I was getting there the radio played Better Than Me...by Hinder or something. Which makes me always think of Alex. I eventually came but it just wasn't good.

All I really want to do now is cry. I hate how people I've never met matter so much to me, when I mean so little to them. ALex is out there right now enjoying her life and having an awesome day (Facebook confirms this), and here I am wondering if it'd really be all that bad if I died by carbon monoxide.

Calm down, I know I won't. Dying is not the answer and blah blah blah.

When you turn on the dryer when the heat's on the air in the basement becomes carbon monoxide, which is where I was sleeping...last week.

Oh yes that lovely Christmas thing happened. My sister got a laptop, and an MP3 player, from our father, I got a hug. It's ok, I've been through years of me getting the awesome presents and my sister getting nothing or very little...well in comparison to mine, so it's about time. That and I love my sister and it makes her happy.

Through the day I seem to be ok but at night I break down. So I got a giant stuffed cow from my sister, a bag of yarn, $25 and a movie gift certificate from my mom, plus various small things and chocolate. A Mulan doll, my earrings (the white gold with the bits of yellow gold hoops). Some money. Most of that money is gone. I bought myself and my sister ties and tamagotchies. $50. I got $100 from my grandparents. My other grandparents gave me $20, which went to lunch, for us, since my mom couldn't afford it. I spent $35 on lunch with Holly at Pizza Hut. I didn't really let her pay. And then I spent $20 ordering a pizza for us, at my mom's. So I'm nearly out of money and I need to e-mail Kristi and get this weeks allowance or something so I can go buy some allergy pills as I've only got like one left, and they're not even mine. Napanee just sets off my allergies like nothing else.

On the bright side everyone has loved their X-Mas presents. Which comforts me...minimally.

Soon enough I'll be crawling into bed hoping I can fall asleep, but I won't. I'm oversleeping here, simply because I'm bored, which makes me tired. I have another week here before I go. Which reminds me that I need to get tickets for a train to Toronto. Which I'll probably do from my mother's as we only have dial-up here at Nana's.

I recieved my "thank you for applying" e-mails from Windsor and McMaster, and they make me want to crawl in bed and cry at least just as much as Alex. They also make me want to eat a lot or something too. But I can't do that. Nana's a weight freak. Apparently she'll pay me a dollar for every pound I lose between now and when I next visit. Look I know I'm not thin and pretty, and I realize it's just as much for my own health, but I don't want to talk or think about my weight. I miss the days when I was younger before I realized that I was bigger, when I was just happy.

I would give anything to go back to being a child. At least then I wouldn't have any girls breaking me up like this, and she didn't even try, and she doesn't know, and I intend to keep it that way. It's not her fault, she didn't do this on purpose, no one is to blame, so I don't intend to guilt her with this information.

Typical of me. EVen when I'm dying I'll still protect you and your feelings, even if you're unintentionally killing me.

Perhpas my visit to NDSS will make me feel better.

When I go home I think maybe I'll need a visit to Reeve (my hairstylist) and some Haagen Daz. I'm probably not spelling that right. *sigh*

Oh I brought a little bottle of rum with me but now it's all gone. I got like four rum & cokes out of that and my dad had a bit.

I hate being upset, it makes me want to eat, it makes me want to change to make people want me back, but really it just makes me feel like throwing up and too tired to to any of the aforementioned things.

Welcome to 2008; different year, same story, different details.