All Things Must End

Have you ever lost someone? Have you ever let someone go?

That's what I did. If you're an avid reader you'll remember Amazing Alex. If you run on the same thought line as I, yes, I did.

For those of you who don't, I told her I couldn't be friends with her anymore.

I've been feeling like this for days, so I knew it wasn't just going to go away. So let's talk about Alex eh?

No matter what I did, not matter how much I didn't talk to her, it was always the same. I think it goes along with the if you can't see it or hear it, it doesn't exist theory. If I didn't see or hear her, I was ok...for the most part. However when I did, it was...always like the first time.

I'd tell you to close your eyes and imagine this, but well you're reading this, so hopefully ou can use your imagination with your eyes open. It's like getting your first bouquet, it's like your first valentine from someone other than your best friend. It's like waking up one morning and knowing where you belong, and where you're going, and just knowing without any proof (having faith) that things will be ok.

That's what Alex is like for me. Plus some sexual attraction.

Well that obviously wasn't my fate now was it? What can I say, that it's not over and that I should have some hope? I'm tired of hoping and wishing and being the bitch. I don't want to be the person who's always hoping someone else's relationship will end just so there's a tiny chance that I might get it. I don't want to be that person any longer. They weren't treating her badly, there was nothing wrong, they obviously love her and that love is returned. Despite how much it hurts, I want her to be happy. And I think that means with them, and not me.

I believe there are some people that are meant to be unhappy. Good things can result from it, for others, and sometimes for themself. I'd like to believe I'm one of those people. I'm not sure my unhappines is something I can conquer, maybe just something I need to learn to live with.

And so, even though it hurts so much, even though I keep bursting into tears and crying until my stomach hurts, I let her go.

Right now the numbess has taken effect, and I know tomorrow morning this is all going to become real for me. I'm going to remember this, and all that happened, and realize that it's real. That I've lost the only person who was really important to me. And no, I won't be able to take any consolation in the fact that I hope I'm doing teh right thing.  The right thing has always been important to me, no matter how much it hurts, I'd like to hold the illusion that somehow the right thing always leads to happiness and fields of flowers and rainbows and kittens and things. Or whatever. However I'm rather cynical and I know it damn well doesn't. But most of me believes it's worth a shot anyway.

After all, I live my life not for me, but for everyone else. I live to make others happy, and I hope that I've made the right decision so Alex can be happy.

Right now I think of an episode of House, where a girl has cancer but is all alone, so teh female doctor tries to befriend her so she won't have to be alone. And another doctor says something along the lines of that it's not worth it, because you make it easier for them for a short time but you have to live with it your entire life. All that pain.

I'm the person that'd befriend the cancer patient even though it'd haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't think my life holds any meaning or value just for myself, only for others. I'm never completely happy. There's always somehting missing. I think it's better to make someone else completely happy, than to spend all my time and effort to finish the puzzle but have pieces missing. If I sit down to one of those puzzles with thousands of pieces to finish to find that pieces are missing, well I'd rather have helped others with their puzzles then to get to the end of mine to know that I can never quite make it.

I'm a pessmist, I know. Tomorrow I could say something entirely different. Tomorrow I could be an entirely different person.

Alex, I wish you happiness beyond your imagination. I hate to say it, but I told you so.

I realize that if you start a relationship, a friendship, only believeing that it'll fail, it will fail. I wish I knew if this had a chance in teh first place, or if it was fated to be this way from teh start.

For me, this seems to have been a lose-lose situation, so I hope you won something.

I have no idea what to do or say now, so I guess I'm going to turn on the TV and pass out.

Alex,
I love you,
and
I will
never
forget you.

And to continue from my title, all things must end, I just hope this was the right time and place.